
I remember those times my children were going through their grieving process of losing their mother to cancer. They were experiencing inner darkness inside themselves. Among the areas of exploration during this time were, identity loss,lonliness,drugs,self-anger,among a few,and of course a insurmountable loss of mom. At that time,I wasn’t there for them.My son was sixteen,my daughter fourteen, my only concern was to shield myself from my loss,the kids would have to take care of themselves. Deaths color,is black,with various shades of grey. The trauma of death placed both my son,and and my daughter into a necessity- growth process. Above all else this made them look at their lives,and hastened the maturity levels within themselves to flower.
At that time,my soul was paralyzed,,it wasn’t until five years later did I realize the blessings that came out of my wifes death.Each day for her,was a dance in hell,with all the accompanying pain and suffering. Her remaining here on earth, gave no one hope of healing,except through a miracle of God. It was her time,and she left with Gods grace, I know she happily entered a new Spiritual realm,and she would have no more pain nor tears, she is with our God.
So hurtful was this loss to us all, I clung to God and began to help my children
with spiritual strengths I didn’t know were within me. Slowly, I began to see the needs emerge,as God brought them to my spiritual eyes. Several months after losing mom,my daughter had a breakdown. She was placed in a psychiatric facility.It took her several weeks to put herself together again emotionally. I knew she would either,come out of her trauma one of two ways. She would rebound, use the trauma to create a growth process,or she would go on as if nothing happened in her life,continuing perhaps into depression.
She responded with the growth process,which is still moving within her even now. Slowly maturing her inner self, her loss, I believe created a strong self-actualization process within. My son followed Gods silent guidance altho he didn’t see it. While mom was in the hospital,slowly passing,My son at that time was admitted two floors above her being diagnosed with juvenile diabetes.
It was difficult keeping this from her. She realized not seeing her son, that something was amiss. I was forced to tell her about her son.It seemed to me the final blow to her.God gave her a blessed assurance that all would be well after she would leave her loved ones. This was a comfort to me,I knew it would be so, it came to pass in the years after. My son and my daughter are well on their paths to continous healing.I am no longer just dad, I am also their Spiritual mentor now.
I must explain a bit of my past before I continue. When I was five years old,It became necessary for my parents to place me in a heart sanitarium,which was the treatment of choice at that time(1943).It was the biggest place I had ever been in my life up till that time. I went into that hospital,for rest,and a good nutritional diet,this was the treatment for a child with a heart murmer.
Upon entering the hospital, I left my sibling, a younger brother at home.
It was a frightening experience,but what came later was worse. The year,and several months passed,and mom and dad came to take me out of the hospital. Dad came into the building, and got me,I remember asking repeatedly for Mom. Dad and I were coming down the large front steps of the sanitarium,he opened the car door,and there sat mom,with my new baby sister. I felt replaced as their child for some reason. That baby created a dislike of small females, within me. Only by looking back into the past do I know my pain of that time,and can express it now if, only to myself. From that time on I could not stand my little sister,and made it a point to make her life miserable.
Moving forward to my present family.My son was the oldest, I had no problem with a boy child. But I had tremendous difficulty relating to my daughter,and didn’t know why? My wife in our relationship,once related to me that she felt she could only do one thing well in her life. That was “make babies.” At that moment I realized much of her self-esteem was wrapped up in her children.
I made a choice at that time,which cheated me out of a relationship with my daughter,and deprived her of a male identity figure,her father. Through the following years,I was uncomfortable with my daughter,unable to give her the love a father should have given her. I resigned myself to letting her mother care for her,since she had more of a need. She loved my daughter so much,I blinded myself to mine and my daughters needs for a relationship.
After mom died, I was a stranger to my daughter,and naturally she focused her anger for moms death on me. I became the bad guy, I saw her need,and allowed it to go that way,Telling myself I was doing what was right for her.
I remember my father,who was unable to say “I Love You” at all as I grew up.
Who resented His children so much,he drove them out as soon as they were old enough to leave, due to the way he treated them. My sister got out of the house,by marrying the first young man she fell in love with. I thought about how my dad must have felt after my mom had died. I never related to him in life, I saw a bitter old man, alone,without his children coming to see him in his old age. I told myself,I didn’t want that kind of an end. I resolved to myself, to rebuild my relationship with my daughter,and heal the differences I had with my son.
Entering into this desire,I began to build a relationship with my little girl.
I found myself responding to almost anything she said with “I’m sorry”, not really knowing why? After some personal introspection, I began to go back in time,to where my uncomfortability towards my daughter came from. I understood then the why? I’ve loved, and will continue to love my children with all the love I can muster within me, for I will die sometime,but not like my father. It is important also for my children to know the whys of my life,for surely they deserve an explanation,that my behavior was not their fault.
Love Dad xxx.
In His love,
lampwickke
xxx








