“Something In My Past”!



I  remember those times my children were going through their grieving process of losing their mother to cancer. They were experiencing inner darkness inside themselves. Among the  areas of exploration during this time were, identity loss,lonliness,drugs,self-anger,among a few,and of course a insurmountable loss of mom. At that time,I wasn’t there for them.My son was sixteen,my daughter fourteen, my only concern was to shield myself from my loss,the kids would have to take care of themselves. Deaths color,is black,with various shades of grey. The trauma of death placed both my son,and and my daughter into a necessity- growth process. Above all else  this made them look at their lives,and hastened the maturity levels within themselves to flower.
At that time,my soul was paralyzed,,it wasn’t until five years later did I realize the blessings that came out of my wifes death.Each  day for her,was a dance in hell,with all the accompanying pain and suffering. Her remaining here on earth, gave no one hope of healing,except through a miracle of God. It was her time,and she left with Gods grace, I know she happily entered a new Spiritual realm,and she would have no more pain nor tears, she is with our God.
So hurtful was this loss to us all, I clung to God and began to help my children
with spiritual strengths I didn’t know were within me. Slowly, I began to see the needs emerge,as God brought them to my spiritual eyes. Several months after losing mom,my daughter had a breakdown. She was placed in a psychiatric facility.It took her several weeks to put herself together again emotionally. I knew she would either,come out of her trauma one of two ways. She would rebound, use the trauma to create a growth process,or she would go on as if nothing happened in her life,continuing perhaps into depression.
She responded with the growth process,which is still moving within her even now. Slowly maturing her inner self, her loss, I believe created a strong self-actualization process  within. My son followed  Gods silent guidance altho he didn’t see it. While mom was in the hospital,slowly passing,My son at that time was admitted two floors above her  being diagnosed with juvenile diabetes.
It was difficult keeping this from her. She realized not seeing her son, that something was amiss. I was forced to tell her about her son.It seemed to me the final blow to her.God gave her a blessed assurance that all would be well after she would leave her loved ones. This was a comfort to me,I knew it would be so, it came to pass in the years after. My son and my daughter are well on their paths to continous healing.I am no longer just dad, I am also their Spiritual mentor now.
I must explain a bit of my past before I continue. When I was five years old,It became necessary for my parents to place me in a heart sanitarium,which was the treatment of choice at that time(1943).It was the biggest place I had ever been in my life up till that time. I  went into that hospital,for rest,and a good nutritional diet,this was the treatment for a child with a heart murmer.

Upon entering the hospital, I left my sibling, a younger brother at home.
It was a frightening experience,but what came later was worse. The year,and several months passed,and mom and dad came to take me out of the hospital. Dad came into the building, and got me,I remember asking repeatedly for Mom. Dad and I were coming down the large front steps of the sanitarium,he opened the car door,and there sat mom,with my new baby sister. I felt replaced as their child for some reason. That baby created a dislike of small females, within me. Only by looking back into the past do I know  my pain of that time,and can express it now if, only to myself. From that time on I could not stand my little sister,and made it a point to make her life miserable.
Moving forward to my present family.My son was the oldest, I had no problem with a boy child. But I had tremendous difficulty relating to my daughter,and didn’t know why? My wife in our relationship,once related to me that she felt she could only do one thing well in her life. That was “make babies.” At that moment I realized much of her self-esteem  was wrapped up in  her children.
I made a choice at that time,which cheated me out of a relationship with my daughter,and deprived her of a male identity figure,her father. Through the following years,I was uncomfortable with my daughter,unable to give her the love a father should have given her. I resigned myself to letting her mother care for her,since she had more of a need. She loved my daughter so much,I blinded myself to mine and my daughters needs for a relationship.
After mom died, I was a stranger to my daughter,and naturally she focused her anger for moms death on me. I became the bad guy, I saw her need,and  allowed it to go that way,Telling myself I was doing what was right for her.
I remember my father,who was unable to say “I Love You” at all as I grew up.
Who resented His children so much,he drove them out as soon as they were old enough to leave, due to the way he treated them. My sister got out of the house,by marrying the first young man she fell in love with. I thought about how my dad must have felt after my mom had died. I never related to him in life, I saw a bitter old man, alone,without his children coming to see him in his old age. I told myself,I didn’t want that kind of an end. I resolved to myself, to rebuild my relationship with my daughter,and  heal the differences I had with my son.
Entering into this desire,I began to build a relationship with my little girl.
I found myself responding to almost anything she said with “I’m sorry”, not really knowing why? After some  personal introspection, I began to go back in time,to where my uncomfortability towards my daughter  came from. I understood then the why? I’ve loved, and will continue to love my children with all the love I can muster within me, for I will die sometime,but not like my father. It is important also for my children to know the whys of my life,for surely they deserve an explanation,that my behavior was not their fault.
Love Dad   xxx.

 

In His love,

lampwickke

xxx

“Prose Not Poetry”!

"Peace"!

5-9-96
Patience
An old fool for sure,
He is,he knows,he sighs!
There is not much chance of being loved again,
the head knows this,but; his heart refuses to give up.
He has spent many years,loving,caring,nurturing.
Now,he is walking quietly,without a hand to hold,to kiss.
There is a whisper from his heart,
a tear rolls down the corner of his eye.
A gentle voice inside declares,”be patient”!dear heart,
“She is coming”.!
“She is coming”.!

The eighth of Pain

The sun burned Kid,
She hugs so freely.
Sharing her closeness,gently she gives a part of herself.
I feel her inner need,to be drowned in love.
Caressed by my tears,that flow abundantly.
She says,”I love you”, I wish I knew ,
How she meant that?
She is young,and I much older.
Yet I could love her,as no other could.
Dream on old man,dream on.

A ninth of fools.

Second Thoughts
How could I tell you,that you move my heart?
I don’t even know,if you care for me?
All that I’ve written,like a dreamcatcher,
has  purpose,a reason.
Like a gambler,who plays to win,
I am trying to gain your heart.
I may never send all these words?,then,
You may never be mine?
But; I still consider them precious,for this time.
I give them to you,my gift.

The tenth of Dreams.

The Transparent Lady

There is a softness about her,
equally, a gentleness in her heart.
the years have not been kind to her,
She is one of those who loves too hard,
and has done so,in her past.
Alongside the gentleness, is her warmth.
She doesn’t wish to be seen,so she hides it well.
A halting nature,not easily trusting.
Those she could love, she hesitates with.
Her heart aches,and needs deeply,
the love of a giving man.
She could have her happiness,
for it is offered,and would be freely given.
Perchance, she will choose wisely,
one more time,to chance again
her yielding heart.
Then again, sidestep so gracefully,
and dance herself away.
I would miss her,
For I care for her,and know her well.

The First Of Many.

Reaching Out
The oneness of two hearts together,sharing being.
A couple separate unto themselves.
Individuals still with childishness,
able to laugh,and cry when the need is there.
No witholding the openess we share.
I see you with closed eyes,
and sense you always close by.
The moth that floats from flame to flame.
Choreographed, Her dance to the light.
She moves back and forth,not fearful; but slightly trembling.
“will I be burned She thinks”,
If I come to close?
Her only answer is a whisper,
“Take a risk,Try me”?

5-9-96

Birth

There is a stillness,in the air.
A wisp of breeze caresses my face.
A heat, thick,oppressive,colors the daylight hour.
Breathing is close,a warm purge of the senses.
Like the fullness of spring,awakening the life force within.
I feel so much of me,it is a soothing state,
like the rays of the Son.
Washing through me,piercing my skin,my flesh,to my bones.
Gone is the chill,of internal winter,
that is left,after the dying have gone home.
Now the newness of living,presents itself!
Like bouquets of Scotch Broom in abundance.

The Eleventh of New.

Treasure

What is wealth?
Is it money or things?
The love of a woman?
Your child?
Possessions or riches?
What does your heart value most,at this time?
Don’t you see,as you live life,your definition changes.
Having been there,and done that,
it may be true, that the most simple is the most profound.
for me giving love(agape),is my wealth.
The more I give away,the gladder my heart becomes.
There are so many,so poor in Spirit,
a wealthy thing,may be a touch,of kindness,a smile.

The Twelfth of Knowing.

Strength

God fills my heart,with his words to share.
The great IAM,feeds His spirit.
Replentishes the joy within me,
and provides His strength at the same time.
Who am I?
So lowly a person,that God honors me so.
His chosen one,His child,His love,His creation,whom He adores.
I obey Lord,as always.

The Thirteenth of Being.

In His love,

lampwickke

xxx

Hardtimes! A Dance of life,Chapter #3

04-13-01
10-24-09

(a portion of “life” the dance!) re:Hardtimes?

I feel an oldness to all I do,my memories,my children,and reflecting on my life. I never knew I put so much stuff in my head for all those years. I draw a great comfort,just sitting on my porch watching the evening light through the trees, the stillness of the air,the softness of the waning light,the gentle breezes. Just thinking about things. I love the peace of the moment,something which I couldn’t lay my hands on when I was younger. It seems that once you get older, one tends  to better prioritize his thoughts and actions,so there is a fluidity to focus and action. Of course, maybe it’s just me! Getting old.Physically,doesn’t mean losing it mentally. I’ve done all I could, to constantly stimulate my mind,to keep it young,since I’ve used so little of it all those years,I figure now that I’m older, I’m due some payback! Why not?,everything else is dead.:)

I feel the pain of arthritis at times,the swelling in my hands,the knowing ache.It’s not unbearable,but again,it’s another reminder that time is winding down for me.I see my children going through their emotional and mental processes,to bring about self-growth,in a world which could never be their eternal home. The noise of the lives of my neighbors,the voices of hectic stresses,as they react to their days interactions with one another.Cars coming home up the one lane road from work,the solitary motorbike,put-putting up by my house.Sounds supported by the background of a vacant sounding television set,left on  to fill the gaps  in sentences;  spoken between people. Then a stray cat slouching by me, going nowhere fearfully. The end of a day has come and gone.

The longer I live, the more reality reveals to me.It seems my children are living my life for me again,making my mistakes,and my victories all over. I”ve noticed though,and I guess it’s a universal thing among every generation of young people, that seems repetitive.It strikes me at times  simple,but awesome in its process of becoming real. I am totally convinced that one of the biggest factors that shapes we humans within our own society is our own selfishness.The society teaches better than any medium, its’brand of social selfishness, of the individual,living that life. I see this at first,with young people,who; for whatever reason,begin their path of self-actualization,(knowing themselves),and how they fit within the scope of their world.

They begin by seeking a vague purpose for living. this is a period of disassociation while living.Whats important? Mostly having enough food to eat,and a roof overhead from the elements. Their sleep is fitfull, there is no peace, just turmoil. This first step toward independence is as scary as stepping off a cliff into hell. As they progress, the herd mentality seeps into their everyday life. They are within the group,(there is some strength in numbers),but they are admitting to themselves they are doing their own thing, and are free at last.They turn on each other,and mooch,using,exploiting,and begging from their friends.Since they have some knowledge of what their parents wanted for them,they have this picture in their minds,(not theirs)of what and who they are supposed to be now.  Actually,they are all in the beginning state called “existance”.

Where all that matters is food and lodging (without the  means to provide them for themselves),since they made the (choice)of leaving the support of the parents,for freedom,:) The sandbox suddenly got larger,and now if you say no! you could really get hurt,and no one would be there to comfort you,and take you home to safety, or protect you.Being a teenager takes on a whole new meaning in itself,the biggest catch phrase to young people just starting out in life,is “never Look Back”. Forward  movement is a given, no matter how slow that impetus may be,as long as one still has forward motion,you haven’t failed yet. Admitting failure,  when your on your own, means going back to the parents home. It’s okey!once in a while to go back and visit, get a snack or two,wash some clothes, but that doesn’t mean failure. How many of us can relate to this scenario? Would I be correct in saying almost all to some degree or another.There wouldn’t be self-growth,self -actualization,without the suffering,without the Hardtimes.  I pity the wealthy,for altho they think they have. They really Have-not, and that’s starting out in life with a tremendous handicap, or is it?:)

A lot of what I’ve been talking about are the beginning rules of life. How you do the “dance” makes the difference  between success and failure. Many of us are failures throughout our lives. I guess you could say that we have become successful at failing. Ah! but ; those who really take the time to know themselves, to self- actualize,to learn the inner processes to begin this journey,they will live a fuller life,and a stable contented life. This is a preparation in itself  for the ultimate end, the final act;which if one knows themself throughout living a lifetime,what fear could death hold? Then again,what can mortal death hold for  the Spirit?

Love Dad (lampwickke)
xxx

“With Spiritual Eyes”!

"My Son"!

7/1/09
10/12/09

Settling into my Christianity when first saved,was difficult
for me;as it was for many of us.Over the years,I realized why?
I had spent many years attempting to please others,and myself.
I never watched my God work in my life.Who could have, when many
examples of the Spiritual episodes of living life; I hadn’t yet
experienced? One realm,the natural;the other:the spiritual.
Both opposite from each other,in all aspects.

I didn’t picture selfishness relative to sin,when it is
synonymous!My concept of I,me;& mine:were all the same.
Yet!until I realized the selfish desires of my heart always
brought on much of my misery of self.

Only when I allowed Gods love to replace the pleasing
of me,did I begin to see His track record in my life.Only then
did I start to understand the joy of His “Grace”!The joy in
the learning to surrender my troubles up to God,opened me up
to giving away more than I received to those in need.

Funny thing,how our needs disappear in the process of loving
others?
You know that Faith becomes obedience in heaven,for then
we will have God in visible spiritual revelation.His
substance our evidence with spiritual eyes, will be ours
beholding Him to love & cherish; in like Spirit:will reveal
the truth of His majesty of glories.

Hope will be non-existent,for then His prescence will be the
knowing of His personage.More so than the knowing “of” Him.
A new glorified body,and Spiritual Eyes;will allow this.
Knowing God,more so;than just the knowing of Him!

In His love,

lampwickke
xxx

“On A Lambs Level”!

9/21/08
6/23/05

How easy it is for many Christians to focus upon
their own importance,  because; they have  learned  the
memorization of Gods Word? Knowing Gods word  in
memory may not  qualify a christian as spiritual or
obedient to God? Some calling themselves Christian use the
Word of God through memory only to avoid? Avoid what
you may ask?  Simply to compensate for their inability to love
others . A totally different and selfish act ,than what the Word
was intended for!

One could just as easy place into memory the Bill of Rights,
or the Constitution of the United States ,and still not
understand  the sacrifice and patriotisim behind  the words?
To the same degree,  using scripture as an ulterior motive  for
selfish reasons, can be but a  work of the flesh ; for if you will
remember the human mind is “flesh”, and is used to confuse.

To the new lambs of God, surely the Word of God is
very important, as is the personal loving “relationship” which
accompanies it.  There will always be those who use Gods
Word as a club upon others ,a telltale sign of
“no love”; in the manner in which it can be  misused ?
For simply the Word without the love within it ,is  nothing
more than : a not so subtle attempt of showing superiority of
ones egotistical mind.

Some of us Christians do not see the demand for the
perfectionism in memorizing scripture, it is more
important to understand the vein in which the Holy Spirit
teaches it as we live it. Many of us are not intellectuals,
yet the Spirit of  God gets His point across in the scope of His
love to us all; at every level of our understanding : with
applied knowledge.
Does the phrase “Gods Wisdom” ring a bell ?

Gods Spirit is explicit. Without love, anyone can quote
scripture; yet the motive behind  why scripture  is said,
can be;  but  a prideful exhibit  of extreme selfishness
within the user!
To wield Gods word in this manner,is easily discerned
by its quality of non-love ? Its only purpose is to lift oneself
up and abase others !

Many of us Christians know the word of God , through the
years of  applying it  in our lives. We also know that unless
Holy Concepts  are taught to others in love, they are but the
passing of information one to another. It won’t adhere to a
heart or a spirit?
So the next time your ego wants a little exercise, don’t give
me Gods word on , say ;”fear not”: as the Word  would
tell us ; just show me how to do it :  In Gods love?

“Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels,
and have not Charity, i am become as sounding brass,
or a tinkling cymbal,
And though I have the gift of prophecy,and
understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and
though I have all faith, so that I could remove
mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.”

1Cor.13 : 1,2

In His love,

lampwickke   xxx

“Life,Health;& Parental Dissing?”

9/17/09
8/24/07

You probably had a great day, then again,
maybe you had one similiar to mine.
I have COPD,it has to do with oxygen in my lungs,
no I wasn’t a lifetime smoker, started at 21yrs old and quit at 23yrs,
so there just wasn’t time to mess myself up with nicotine.
Anyhow, The day went lousy, but the several moments I experienced
personally to little ole’me really sucked.

While shifting my 150lbs oxygen machine across the
frontroom,
I lost my balance  and slipped backwards;
hitting the floor totally flat on my back.
I layed there for a moment.I knew I was going down,
that faint little breeze which caressed my whole body
as I started my decent backwards;was the main tipoff.
Then the bump on my back of my head started to rise ;
like yeast going full tilt for the heavens.
Yep! it was real,and it hurt.

It’s my start of dealing with my old age.
My sons tells me “Dad” you need a hearing aide,
“Dad” your balance is lousy, use this cane ;
“you scare me when you walk”.
Okey,they know I don’t drink,and don’t smoke.
It does seem rudeness is no factor for dissing your parents,
I’d protest but you know it’s starting to be to obvious to ignore.
Now you might think a full grown man is just getting  plain old,
with the inability to hide his faux paux’s.

But when 200lbs hits the floor & knows it’s coming,
waiting mid stream for for the feeling of the hit;
it has its tell tale familiar impressions.
It’s just not the same as when I hit the concrete sidewalk,
outside my house on a rainy night.
I landed on my chest, fully frontal in a horizontal position.
Now that was at 300 some pounds.
Cracked three ribs,built up fluid within my lungs;
and was layed up in the hospital for two weeks:
and spent two more months in bed.
It was a good thing I was retired, (almost permanently.)

This time I weighed just about 200lbs,
front or back it still hurt like the dickens.
I’m six foot,but I do manage to do it up good no matter what I weigh;
and it still hurts.
I’m thinking I really bruised my “innerds up good this time”,
as the guys at the local chicken gutting line would say.
I”m glad for one thing,though;
them chickens on the line;
have lost all hope of getting past the gutting section alive.

What I’m realizing is that it’s that time again,
my one son is returning back to college.
His first real move away from home to another school.
His second college,I love my kids; yes I do:
but: kids are no match for adult male and female rapport
with empathy,and  understanding.
My only regret is that I won’t be sitting in my easy chair pointing and laughing,
and remarking ; you need a hearing-aide “son”:
“gee son you are starting to walk off kilter”,
“something wrong with your balance”: “Kiddo”?..

I can comfort myself, by knowing that;  all that laughter:
will be repeating itself from their kids one day! ha!
I’ll be hearing  my kids”going through their old age symptoms.
At least I will have some understanding,
of what it sounds like when “Old “hits you?
That must be why the veggie
pushers and four-food groupies keep on with their shpiel,
eat healthy,live healthy,(The one they forgot was die young).

“This garbage of it”, You know it costs boucoup dollars
to take a dirtnap these days,
that is a bunch of horse pucky,I plan on the Lord taking me
now that’s giving ecology a real boost;save a buck:
and don’t get suckered in by the morticians,turning a buck.

An update*… I fell once more during that year,
lost a few things. After breaking my right hip,started to live healthy.
Dropped 140lbs,lost my diabetes,started a swell regimen of a healthy
mixture of veggies;I don’t pig out any more on junk food.Am forever thanking
Gods Holy Spirit for His help in fasting continuously.You might say,I am
very grateful for this last and final fall,I have met some lovely people,
while convalescing; I have also begun a great physical improvement
program for myself.Gawd I’m starting
to really love who I am on the inside finally. …..Thanks God!

“God loves me,& I know all things work together for good
for those called according to His purpose”

Romans 8:28

In His love,        lampwickke   xxx

P.S. Came to find out I trusted a doctor too much,for this result

I was over-medicated,and had been for month! go figure.

“Creator”!

9/15/09
11/9/04

Last week I went ceative.
I felt a deep need to work with my spirit,
to form a body from many small members.
I searched online,went to stores looking for components,
seeking what I needed to put my plan into action.

Pieces of spring steel for its backbone,with the ability
to carry all the weight of all the members would need when
I attached them to the backbone of steel.
I used fishing leaders,snaps and swivels of various lengths.
Shorter cross-members of spring steel to be hung in tandom
with various painted shapes of tiny fish,of different weights and colors.

Like my photography, I wanted the spiritual aspects of my creation
to shine in His light.
Not really caring what anyone else thought of my creation,I hoped
for the spiritually aesthetic.

I took great care and wanted to give it love,form,and motion,
I also added a little hope to it,this creation of mine.
I wanted it to be a part of me,for my pleasure to look at,
and wonder about what thoughts it might churn within me.

It hangs from my ceiling now, finally finished; a beautiful thing
to watch,an example of the fine balance and harmony of God.
It fills a small corner of my living room ceiling,
like God fills His universe.

It  is a wonderful thinking machine,
and my spirit and I created it with our hands together.

” The Coolest mobile I ever made,
really the only one I ever made.”

“And God said,Let us make man in our image,
after our likeness: and let them have dominion
over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the
air,and over the cattle,and over all the earth,
and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon
the earth.”

Genesis 1:26

In His love,
lampwickke
xxx

“Mirrors In The Sky”!

9/10/09
1/8/09
With an inner shudder, what faces many of us
curls our toes; freaks us to no end.

Petitioning God for someone to love at any age is  a tremendous shock to our
systems especially when God responds with His choice.
You might have just looked at all that has transpired
over these last few months,and pass out later.

Realizing that you have loved someone since that first hug you shared,almost wells up the tears within you.It seemed like only yesterday that you had been wondering when
God was going to come across with His choice for you. Our own spirits might have had an inkling, and to know without a doubt that it was not a lust revelation; but an Agape fulfillment;makes it only sweeter.

I seldom write about my heart pangs  for another,yet
you should know about me by now, if it happened to me; then my words and Gods promises will get my attention.Now it is a
big,big wait; to see if  her heart has had the wake up call too?
It seems as though God  has been working on me as far as patience goes these last fourteen years now.Altho, I have          waited at times;not so patiently. I would guess it’s just a shocker that He should reveal all this to me through a “Divine  Appointment” yet,He does that to me, I think  just for effect!

It is hard to balance that fine wire walking of ministry, and not  try to be involved in any romance flow while assisting the
Holy Spirit; and knowing that this pitfall exists while I am there to help :not for personal gain of any kind.The heart knows this,but;following through is  a most difficult thing.
I have felt it many times more difficult to focus upon a friend relationship, in  the loving of others at times. That  separation
of Gods will and mine does anguish me time and again.
It will have to remain ,and always be a trust  issue for those opening their hearts to one another.
For Him to have done it this way, (Divine Appointment), only assures my whole being that He heard my heart, and stands upon His promises to me.I sincerely doubt if she will ever read this post, but; if I know my God: He has already spoken to her within our loneliness?

“Herein is love, not that we loved God,
but that he loved us ,we ought also to love one another.”!
1 John 4:10

“………………the Lord thinketh upon me…..”
Psalms 40:17

In His love,
lampwickke
xxx

“That Last Little Touch of Love”!

8/2/09

11/26/07

Your depth of love, for the woman you love; is

such a gauge of compassion. How it is depended upon

opens your heart to incredible inner change.

Suffering with my loves Bone Cancer allowed me to see

insights into this world,for what it really is.

This revealing, could not have come from any other

than the Holy Spirit Himself.

After three years of searching for a doctor,who could

diagnose what disease my wife had.We had been frequenting

emergency rooms, of every hospital  in surrounding

counties; with the idea of finding  out? The very multitudes of

doctors didn’t have a clue as to  what malady she actually had.

Consequently, she began to be labeled an addict. This was seen

for what it was,when a professional doesn’t have an answer

for something unknown, they tend  to try and place whatever

blame upon the victim.

It’s like that old buzz grouping of words, on why you didn’t get

that job you so desperately needed, “Well, you’ve got the potential;

but: you lack the experience?

How many of us have heard that before? It seems that what the

medical profession relates this to is just as flimsy? “Well,

we have difficulty in giving you any medication until we know

the diagnosis?” Yet! every bone in her body ached in horrible pain.

She was suffering to the point of tears,that plus being labeled  an  addict,by a

profession which has deteriorated over the last 100yrs.This leaves much to be

desired,especially in those times of complicated machines, an exorbitant costs

inflicted upon the patient, doctors could look at your eyes,hands; & fingers:

check any part of your body for visible indications of your disease,and tell you

what was wrong with you. My only question is?

What happened to medicine over those years, did a regression occur that I was not

aware of?

Being suspected of addiction,hurt more than the pain of her disease;

and by the  time we found a female doctor who diagnosed my wife with her

first test, it was untreatable.If we could have only found out sooner,

she would have had a fighting chance for healing, but;unfortunately

the time it took to diagnose (3yrs.)it had become

terminal & untreatable.

It was on one of our trips down the Skyway Grade, about 12miles down

a fairly steep grade to Chico,Ca.,from Paradise,Ca.; once again

for pain medication.We went a-begging to yet another emergency room.

Halfway down the hill, she looked at me with tears and great hope in her eyes,

and asked me “daddy”,

“Please kill me” put me out of my pain.

That was the hardest request ever asked me.

Eventually, I softly said;”Honey I can’t”.

With that answer, she went hysterical; her one last request was denied.

She grabbed for her door handle on the passengers side of the car, to jump.

I was going about sixty miles an hour, and she almost got the door open

to jump;when I reached across her and grabbed the door handle and slammed

the half opened door shut. She broke down when she realized it wasn’t going

to happen with my help.It would be in Gods timing, not hers. I slowly pulled

over to the side of the road,until she was once again stable as she could be!

I asked her for forgiveness, for I loved her to much to be the ender of her life.

She went peaceably to her God on May 24,1994, at the age of 45yrs.,

and I know without a doubt she will have no more pain & suffering.

“And we know that all things work together

for good to them who love God, to them

who are the called according to His purpose”.

Romans 8:28

My love, through your Grace Lord,

lampwickke/”daddy’,

xxx

“Human Mechanics”!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

9/8/09

8/13/05

 

 

 

 

 

          There is a phenomenon among spiritually wounded Christians.It is a willingness to remain in a state of pain & suffering, for as long as it may take them to understand they are; and have been in this state long enough: to really want their healing from their God.

 

At first I thought it was a need to stay in a place of wanting to hold a pity-party,for the sake of wanting sympathy from anyone or everyone? I have since changed my mind now to understand it better. Perhaps,as a need of our inner man overall,but; a part of the whole process of Gods healing over time?

 

 

It can better be understood as a precursor to healing but in its early stages, within the readiness of ourselves to really want and accept it without fear? Symptoms of hidden inner spiritual woundings are many.They are physical responses to spiritual needs,manifesting themselves in physical actions! So it is understandable that Gods healing is ,and can be rejected in a Christians lifetime;due to more fear of that healing: than ones love for their God!

As you will remember, memories hold the pain and the hurts of our 

spiritual woundings.It is the memories which are triggered at those times of an attached smell,sound;or music: that is pulled up from the past? This starts the snowball effect upon the memories of the past,bringing with it;a renewed freshness of the initial spiritual wounding. It is there, will always be there; until one faces the truth of understanding of that wounding.Christ as the Great Physician,excises the painful portion of our memories from the memories themselves;for God has a purpose for our memories 

yet to be known? Especially the wounding as a child.

 

Many have told me,that yes! they have had an episode of abuse as a very young child,but; they no longer feel any emotion in regards to it happening ,or that God has healed it; and they no longer have any recollection of it any longer? It would be ideal if this were the truth, but;only a small percentage of persons really have been healed in many situations.How does one know this?

 

More than likely,they still manifest the symptoms  of inner woundings:and /or may still be in a state of denial.The human

psyche can,without a doubt deceive us in its states of denial if it so chooses.Since the extent of its denial is proportionate to the depth of your spiritual woundings,it can afflict you  for years without you realizing it emotionally? In a spiritual sense, and remembering that the human mind is flesh;therefore it has its individual needs within the human systems it operates,it will always be at enmity with your spirit:so it will at all costs defend itself against anything spiritual attempting to get through to your spirit.

 

Only the Holy Spirit can penetrate to the depth needed to overcome this blockage.The human mind is threatened by anything

spiritual for it is flesh,for it fears loss of control of any of its areas.The human mind is an entity within itself,you may laugh at what I speak of,but;to a great degree our mind does influence us greatly in our choices and actions we make.Changing our methods of how we make choices does affect us in the daily living of our lives.

 

The main reason as to why I am entering into the working os our minds, is for your understanding.I do believe that understanding how anything works is necessary to the prevention of the fears of that thing,or;truth destroys the fears of the unknown? So interlaced with the many unknowns, and the fears of this worlds ways! God created us with emotions,thought;and spirit.Many of the qualities we exhibit here on earth,will not be useful in heaven.

Emotions,life changing choices may not be required there?

A Renewed Mind ,will be spiritually oriented;living as we were meant to do.So it will be greatly in the process of change by the time we enter in, if not completely? Much of our spiritual nature has already been awakened at our Salvation.We are first and foremost spiritual beings, and secondly human beings,if you can grasp that based upon Gods creation of us!

 

 

In this world,or dimension we are closely intertwined with our environment,and function best as social creations.I see this as Gods purpose for us.That this Humanity, is the first state of ones spirit, and (Salvation) as preparation for a spiritual kingdom with God as His Sons to be; there is no doubt.(Personally,I believe that this is the first of many of Gods realms or dimensions; which we will partake in throughout Eternity.But;that is of no concern to you: and only my discernment of what the Spirit of God has spoken of at times.)

 

Since God created us with emotions, and many different levels of understandings of self;and knowledge:It would be ideal if we could understand and maintain our individual balances within these areas of awareness to each other? Wellness,would be a primary result at least as human beings functioning within a society;in relation to its environment.However;as human beings I do not think that it is possible to find this wellness for the whole society

either as saved or unsaved?Only for the individual within any society is this possible,due to mans inability to find unity in this human form? Perhaps in Heaven it will be  more assured of becoming a truth.

 

As you may have no doubt seen so far, I am speaking of knowledge or understanding & emotions;of a complicated human creation: Us?

Only God knows how many genesis’s He had to go through,to even get to the point of us being acceptable in His eyes:(regarding potential) to complete His plan of redemption in us? Fear is the one greatest factor which prevents us as a creation in wanting and accepting Gods healing for us ,(a Choice)!

However;I cannot say that this to isn’t another part of His plan for us also?

 

Influences of , environment(how we have been raised) and genetics;(heredity-potentialities–qualities,passed on from our 

ancestors) create within us our levels of differences of who we are: will become.These variables make some of us more emotional,or more logical than the other; much to our liking or dislike over who we are. Only God our Creator, has something better than what we could achieve on our own. Harmony with God,is mans only hope of going beyond this life to another, and Faith in Jesus Christ the only Way.

 

 

       Christ is life,

 

        In His love,

                                         lampwickke

                                                        xxx